People’s responses to the concept of self-care often exist on a spectrum.  When self-care is seen as a luxury, it’s often judged as being selfish.  If we aren’t getting sh*t done, we are wasting time on something that’s not important.  From another view, filling every minute of every day can be an exhausting habit.  The self-care of reading and naps could be a necessity to avoid crashing.

Growing up, I got approval for being productive; I was praised for what I did for others, and for what I got done.  This gave me a sense of value and lovability.  It also gave me the habit of neglecting my tiredness and needs for rest.

By my mid 30s, I was on the verge of a total breakdown.  I believed that love was won by giving everything and needing nothing.  Self-reliance is great to a point, but it can go too far.  When I finally shared with a friend about how I was falling apart, her shocked reply was, “I had no idea you needed help.”

Today, I teach my students about the value of self-care and self-attunement.  It’s true that being productive gives me a feeling of healthy satisfaction.  The problem lies in pushing beyond my body’s wisdom.  When we lose the ability to see the line being crossed, we start doing things at the cost of our well-being.  We are out of attunement.

When I carve out time to read my book, sit by the fire, or watch a movie, I can feel guilty.  When I feel squirmy and on edge during self-care, part of my self-attunement practice is to simply sit and feel it.

It takes wisdom and courage to rest while there’s a voice in my head saying, “You’re wasting time; this isn’t producing; you won’t get approval for this.”  

If we can resist the threat of that productive story, our reward is peace.

When it comes to healing our sexuality and relationships, it is imperative that we keep attunement with our bodies, our spirit and with each chakra –  especially our sexual center.  Attunement is key to opening our creative and joyful sensuality.

 

What are the things that tune you?  

 

Self-care is not a luxury, it’s necessary for our health and well-being!

I hope you give yourself the gift of rest and stillness as we move through this time of winter hibernation.

Warmly,
Lindy James

We are naturally creatures of connection.  We need touch.  Touch is a part of our health and well being.  Even before the added caution and scarcity of covid, the simple request of asking, “Can you put your arms around me?” may seem foreign and scary.

A few years ago, I was talking to a friend of mine and said, “You know when you cuddle with your other friends…” and before I could finish my sentence she interrupted to say, “Lindy, we only cuddle with you.  We don’t cuddle with our other friends.”  I was shocked.

We are not getting enough touch.  I was surprised to find that cuddling is not what everyone does.  My naivety.

It has been one of my missions in life to show people that simply laying in each other’s arms can be so nurturing, nourishing, and healing.

Back in the day when I had a king size bed, it was lovingly referred to as: the church of Lindy’s bed.  We would pile onto this big bed after dinner or on a Sunday morning with coffee and croissants (oh that’s so naughty!).  We would tell stories, cuddle, laugh, cry and share about what’s going on in our life.

I got so comfortable with this intimate connecting that it spilled over into other arenas of life.  At Dance Church (years ago), there was a strapping young man who was dancing on his hands.  I thought to myself how strong he looked.

Later on, I found him sitting in the chill, rest and whisper corner.  I approached and began with, “Would you do me a favor?”  He said, “Yeah, what’s that?”  I said, “Would you just put your arms around me and squeeze me?”  I know that’s a highly unusual request of a stranger, but he said, “Sure!”  I leaned back into his chest, and he put his arms around me while continuing a conversation with the person next to him.  This man’s energy was very clean.  I wept, I laughed, I felt restored.  Afterwards, I thanked him and went back onto the dance floor.  There was no stickiness.  No fondling.  No rescuing.  It was very natural.  Somehow my instincts could see that.  Even now, I have a smile on my face and an opening in my heart.

When I was a child, there was so much difficulty in my home life.  I remember thinking/knowing, “This is not how it’s supposed to be.”  As I grew older, I realized that loving presence (I didn’t have a name for it back then) and caring for each other is how it’s supposed to be.

Humanity has veered away from that.

Yet we, in our community, in our Tantra bubble, have become that loving presence for each other.  Often, when we feel like, “I shouldn’t come, I don’t feel good, I’m sad…” this can be the best time to come to class, to come to puja.  Puja literally translates to “sacred ritual.”

I invite you to come be with the community and be held.  Laugh, cry, and learn to ask for what you want and what you need.  Also learn to hear, “No, ask me again later.”  The initial sting of a “not now” fades once we come to trust that when someone says Yes, they mean it!

We are all meant to be held, seen and loved for who we are…For our humanity.

I look forward to meeting you again, and again and again.

Love,
Lindy

I want to start with the invitation to take a deep breath, and a slower exhale.

*** Breathe IN ***

******** Breathe OUT ********

Shift from Thinking to Feeling:

How does it feel, this breath and this slowing down?

Feel the movement of air as you breathe into the nostrils,

as the chest expands,

and the lungs expand.

Breathe so that the belly expands on the inhale just slightly.

{Repeat a few times}

This simple breathing practice helps us quiet the mind.  With a quieted mind, we can experience “the felt sense” of the body.

What do I mean by the felt sense?

I completed a two year training in a very body centered method of psychotherapy called Hakomi.  One of the primary distinctions was called the felt sense.  Tuning into the felt sense is a way to shift ourselves from any story we may find ourselves lost in.  Let me explain how this works.

In Hakomi, they would say: listen to the storyteller, rather than the story.

What does that mean?

My story was (it’s less now) that I grew up in a home where I didn’t feel safe. The adults were not behaving in a way that was very adult, or appropriate.

Now, if you were only listening to my story, it may provoke curiosity and take you into a lot of sideroad questions about who, when and why…the drama of it all.  By contrast, if you listen beyond the story into the storyteller, you can identify fear and anxiety. There was a sense of not being safe..

Identifying a core emotion (like fear) allows us to work with the felt sense I spoke about above.  If my client says, “I feel scared,” I might ask, “Where in your body do you feel that fear?”  And we keep focused there — on embodiment, on the felt sense.

We put aside the story of why I feel afraid, and focus on the storyteller, the embodiment of how it feels.  Where in your body do you feel that fear?  I feel that fear in my belly.  How does it show up?  It shows up as tension, and it shows up as difficulty digesting food.  And at this moment, my stomach is tight.

We are discovering the different distinctions of tightness that show up.  When we give attention to the felt sense, then understanding arises.  Yes, it comes as a kind of thought, but it’s different than figuring it out.  From there, we start to move the story’s stuck energy out of the body, freeing space so that there’s more flow of energy or chi (as Taoists would say). More freedom!

Stories keep tension stuck in our body because we have been telling and retelling the tale, sometimes over a lifetime.  But after separating the story from the felt sense, now, when I feel anxiety come up, I have another option. I can sit in the present moment with anxiety and take several deep slow breaths and listen for what anxiety needs. I am present and compassionate with what I feel, and slow down.  As the story arises: “it’s because of what so and so said to me or did to me, or I’m lonely, or this and that…” I simply refocus on the feeling of the storyteller, rather than lose myself in the story.  Doing this transforms the flow of energy in our body!

This is a brief taste of learning to be embodied.  When feelings really are too much and too scary to process ourselves, then we work with a practitioner, like myself, who can help us be present in the body and not leave. Hakomi is a beautiful training.  It changed how I live my life and the freedom I feel. Embodiment is now second nature; it’s how I feel into the world.

We learn more about this process in the 6 month Tantra Program.

I want to talk about the Path of Love.  More than that…the Tantra Path.  What I often tell my students is that we are all Love.  We are all “the one.” Many people are looking for “the one” to be with in life.  The way I teach Tantra, or sacred sexuality, is about really stepping into love together.  This may sound kinda funny, but Tantra is about opening our heart and seeing the divine in each person.  To find “the one” is to find (or truly see) each other.  We are all “the one.”  We are all the beloved.

I’d like to distinguish this from, let’s say, finding a partner to live with.  Partnership can be more concerned with the logistics of finding someone we get along with well, day to day.  Yet from a Tantra lens, you can be the beloved even if our lifestyle and sleeping rhythms are a complete mismatch.  I can feel a deep love for you and not wish to be partners with you.  Deep love doesn’t mean something else – it’s simply itself. 

The Path of Love, the Tantra Path is about being loving with each other – and that does not mean being sexual with each other (it can include that, of course).  We walk in Love when we open our heart, open the energies of our body, our kundalini, our aliveness, and share that with each other.  From this place, we can create a community of support.  Whether or not you have a partner, practicing Tantra can be a space to feel met in Love.  

One of my favorite quotes from a fairly new student to the group said, “I had no idea that in 3 hours I would fall in love with a whole room full of people.”  That’s what we do.  If you are interested in learning about Tantra and finding out what events are the best fit for you, I welcome you to contact me.  We can figure that out together.

Contact me for a free connection call: lindy@lindyjames.com

Last week I spoke about the importance of embodiment – the practice of tuning into the body and its wisdom.

For me, embodiment is a cornerstone of tantra and has made the biggest difference in healing, in relating, and in truly knowing and trusting my inner wisdom.

Embodiment is delicious.  It’s enlivening and dynamic to become present to hearing ourselves, the people around us, or even nature.

As we develop the ability to bring ourselves into the present moment, the body trusts us because we are aligning with what is true.  Our lovers and friends start to trust us more.  Even horses trust us more!?!?

I’ve been with horses my whole life.  Their body language is elaborate because they don’t make much sound.

Similarly, our feeling heart doesn’t make much sound, but it does speak.  For example, the tightness of your throat is a message.  It’s not “words or sound”, but it is speaking.  The aching of your chest or the expansion of your lungs is a communication.

Back to horses.  They speak all the time.  But they get dull and disappointed in humans because we aren’t paying attention and listening.  Believe it or not, horses get excited and super communicative when they notice we’re listening and not forcing them to only do what we want.

Our bodies are the same.  When we listen, rather than forcefully lead with judgment and supposed to’s, we can become attuned to how our bodies and hearts communicate.  If we are true to ourselves, the energy begins to flow and open.