Finding Your Voice in the Bedroom
Clearly Voicing Your Desires and Needs
Speaking up involves letting go of my fear that I will disappoint someone, or that their feelings could get hurt. If I don’t speak up, then my body slowly (or quickly) shuts down. When I don’t respond to what my body is communicating, then more layers like: fear, projection, guilt, shame and blame can surface.
Over time, honest communication builds bridges that lead to ever-expanding sexuality. My sexuality can get quite transcendent and wild; but to feel safe enough to let go, I need to know we are both embodied, present and listening to one another.
Saying what I need can sound like, “Please slow down, I need to pause here so that my awareness can catch up.” Or, “I need to stop for a moment, I have tears coming up.” Tears can come from joy or happiness. They can also be from emotional residue leaving our body. Another way of communicating is to vocalize encouraging sounds to let your giver know when they are on the right track.
In your practice with another, I recommend that you create sacred space by setting aside special time and making the environment beautiful or special somehow. Maybe soft lights, music, flowers.
If you’re intending to explore your edges, you could voice that and ask for support. This could sound like, “I’m not used to saying what I need so please just listen, say thank you, and hold me if I get scared.”
A great practice to use during exploration is called: Fears, Desires & Boundaries.
Each person takes a turn answering the following questions:
- What are your fears?
- What are your desires?
- What are your boundaries?
One person speaks and the other simply says thank you. This is not the time to convince your partner that he or she shouldn’t feel a certain way. If something comes up for you while listening, it’s best to talk about it with permission another time.
Finally, negotiate among the two of you where the overlaps of desire are, and stay within the boundaries that were stated.
Using fears, desires and boundaries is a wonderful ritual for helping each other find your voice. Boundaries can lead to a feeling of incredible freedom because it helps the subconscious relax. Relaxation is very compatible with arousal and creativity!
Finding your voice and rituals for connection are a big part of what I teach in all my classes and session work.
I would love to support or help. I invite you to set up a free discovery session with me to see what kind of suggestions I might make.