Finding Your Voice in the Bedroom
How can you learn what you like?
When I was younger, lovers would ask me, “What do you like? How do you like to be touched sensually or sexually?” I would freeze like a deer in headlights. I wouldn’t know what to say other than, “Try something and I’ll tell you if I like it.”
Time and time again, I see this same response in couples that I work with. Particularly coming from women. This approach has a lot of limitations. It sidesteps the rich vulnerability of expressing our desire, it puts the creative effort solely onto our partner, and it cuts us off from the intuitive exploration of our body.
Touch preferences are quite varied. Some of us adore light touch; while others find it too ticklish. Slow lingering strokes work for some; whereas others like compression squeezes. Many of us enjoy percussive touch or even scratching. I recall one of my teachers saying, “There are seven levels of scratching and the seventh level draws blood.” I say this to remind us that there are ranges in every style of touch that can be explored to find your sweet spot.
Here is an exercise I do with my students called: How do you like to be touched? There is a giver and a receiver. The giver is to only touch the receiver from the elbow to the hand. Those are the boundaries. The giver asks the question, “How would you like to be touched?” The receiver then gives specific answers. The giver will repeat this question a few times. The touch lasts 5-7 minutes. The pairs debrief how that was to give and to receive. Then they switch roles.
I encourage my students to learn how they like to be touched and to practice with a lover, friend or practice buddy. Starting with a neutral zone of the body can deter the fear response and give us access to our voice and preferences. We can expand the zones of exploration as we grow in trust toward ourselves and our partners.
This is a big topic, so I’ve divided it into three parts.
- Part II: How are you at listening to your partner? How are you at speaking up?
- Part III: Clearly voicing your Desires and Needs
Finding your voice and rituals for connection are a big part of what I teach in all my classes and session work.
I would love to support or help. I invite you to set up a free discovery session with me to see what kind of suggestions I might make.