The Art of Being at Choice

On boundaries, consent, and the quiet wisdom your body already carries…

Whether you’re new to this work or have been on the Tantra path for years, there is one thread I weave through every class I teach — from the very first session to the most advanced practices — the art of being at choice.

Every class begins the same way: with an embodiment meditation. Not because it’s ritual, but because it’s essential. Before we can meaningfully connect with another person — before we can truly give or receive — we must first arrive inside ourselves.

We must become present and embodied before we can connect.

The body knows. The body remembers. And long before we reach the edge of our comfort, long before fear or anger rises, there are subtle signals, quiet whispers of yes and no living in the body.

This is what I call somatic listening, tuning in to the wisdom already present within you. Being at choice means we are no longer operating on autopilot — saying yes when we mean no, fearing that our truth will disappoint or distance someone we care about.

Recovering Nice Girls and Boys

I say this with great tenderness and a little humor — I am a recovering nice girl. Growing up, I learned that pleasing others was a path to safety and love. I had no model for having a voice to express my choices for my own body, my own desires, my own limits. I equated being nice with being safe — to me, they felt like the same thing.

Many of us learned like this. Without proper guidance, we gave ourselves away — in small moments and larger ones — more than was ever healthy or true for us.

What I teach now is something different: the willingness to be afraid and speak your truth anyway. And beautifully, that truth doesn’t have to just close a door — it can open a different one.

When I offer an exercise in class and someone feels a “no,” I invite them to explore: What am I willing to do? Perhaps it’s simply sitting back-to-back, breathing together. Perhaps it’s holding hands, or eye gazing. There is always a version of connection that honors both the invitation and your own inner knowing. We never have to choose between shutting down completely and abandoning ourselves, or just being compliant and doing something we don’t have a true yes for doing. If you find yourself thinking, it will be over soon enough, you have already gone on too long with whatever you’re enduring!

Use Your Voice

In order to get what you need, you have to be able to ask for it.

It can be scary at first. As you get more comfortable with exercising your right to an opinion, you can fine tune your boundary requests to be more graceful. You can even learn to transform refusals into invitations to do something you are truly aligned with.

My students have learned a lovely practice called the “Love Sandwich,” which is a reaction or request, sandwiched in-between two honoring or reward statements. This is a gentler approach to stating your needs. One that comes across to the receiver as more inviting than a request alone (which can often be interpreted as a criticism), even though you are still setting the same boundary.

Here’s an example:

Your Raw Need:

I’m feeling claustrophobic sitting this close to you while we eye gaze. I need to move back.

As a Love Sandwich:

1. I love your eye gaze. (honoring what is happening)
2. But I would like to sit back a little more from each other. (request)
3. Ahh, that feels wonderful, so spacious! (reward of praise).

Another example:

Your Raw Need:

I’m feeling overstimulated and need to go ground my nervous system away from other people.

As a Love Sandwich:

1. I appreciate you so much for sitting with me. (honoring what is happening)
2. And I feel like I need a break now. (request)
3. Thank you, this will really help recharge my enery! (reward of gratitude with a tiny explanation of your need)

I also teach all students to simply say “thank you” whenever they receive a request to change something — to make sure they’re supporting the asker, who is taking a real risk they might offend by expressing their “no” or other boundary.

A Language for Boundaries – From Horses

Learning to speak your boundary clearly is a skill — one that deepens with practice. One of my most treasured teachings on this topic comes from the world of horses.

Skilled trainers have observed that horses communicate boundaries with each other across four escalating levels of contact, that they named Air, Hair, Muscle and Bone:

1. Air — bared teeth, ears pinned back, a raised hoof (threat to kick)
2. Hair — mock biting, a firm contact, tail lashing
3. Muscle — a light kick or nudge
4. Bone — finally, if truly necessary, a serious kick or bite, full-on combat

Each level is clear, honest, and matched to the moment.

When I applied this with my own horse — using only a gentle movement of my hands in the air; a touch or light shove; a punch and a shout, if more was needed — he understood, and the space between us became something mutual and respectful. These levels have proven just as profound in my work with humans.

THE FOUR LEVELS OF BOUNDARY SETTING
From Gentle to Fierce
As Applied to Humans in Tantra Practice

As my riding teacher once said:
“Do as little as possible — but do what it takes.” 

I.  AIR
A soft, clear verbal request.
“Could we slow down? I’m feeling a little uncomfortable.”
This is the first signal — spoken with warmth, trusting it will be heard.

II.  HAIR
A gentle physical signal.
Placing your hands on theirs, guiding them away, or creating a little distance with your body.
Presence and clarity without force.

III.  MUSCLE
More grounded, more vocal.
This is where you find the fierceness of your own protection — rooted in the body, unwilling to be overridden.
Your voice carries real weight now.

IV.  BONE  (ASK FOR HELP)
A firmer push, with a raised voice. “Stop!”
And, you can raise your hand and ask for help. I am here.
You will never be alone in this temple space.

Listen to my audio clip on this topic: 
Air, Hair, Muscle, Bone

I am a fierce mama bear around the safety of every student in my class. If someone is not listening to you, you can trust that I will come over and take charge.

Inner Listening as Sacred Practice

Breaking the habit of over-pleasing — or even over-asserting — is not a one-time event. It’s a practice. We learn to be gentle in our requests until gentleness isn’t enough, and fierce when fierceness is called for. We learn to ask for help without shame.

I speak personally with every student before they enter my classes, because this work asks something real of us. There are no absolute guarantees in the dance of intimacy — but there is deep, ongoing education in how to listen to yourself, honor your edges, and move with both courage and care.

Inner listening. Being at choice. These are not rules — they are gifts we give ourselves, and in turn, give each other. As we explore, heal, and expand on the Tantra path, this is where everything begins.

Many Blessings,
Lindy Dakini James

_________________________________________

RECOMMENDED READING

Explore the deeper framework
of giving and receiving in
The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin,
a beautiful companion to the practice of being at choice.

________________________________________