An Invitation to Hibernate With The Solstice

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Forced to Stop (and Rest)

I was so looking forward to 12 magical days in Mexico at a Buddhist retreat, and wouldn’t you know it… five days into my trip, I got Covid! I would never have chosen to stay in a hotel room to find stillness and cleanse my mind and body.  But life had a different plan.

Before the trip, I had been super busy right up until the second I left. My  thinking was that when I got back, I would stop and take time to be still, let go, and give myself the silence I longed for. I wanted slow rainy days, curled up by the fire with one of my favorite books.

But instead, I was forced to abandon my retreat and hole up in a hotel.

Surrendering to Stillness

After much resistance, acceptance finally arrived. I read a book.  I fasted. All the activity — the busy-ness, the pushing myself, the coffee in the morning to get going, the glass of wine at night to slow down — it all unraveled and stopped.

Of course I felt sorry for myself. I was out-of-my-mind bored, and there was nothing I could do about it. By the end of five or six days, my body reached a cleanse point and my appetite came back. Food had never tasted so good!

Now that I am home again, I’m spending quiet time in my room, kept company by the most beautiful winter sky view outside my window. I’m still fatigued and going slow.

As you may know, winter is the time of hibernation.  In my case, life’s schedule for this precious slow down overrode my own.  I’ve always intended to learn my lessons before life forced them.  But once they come, my job is to surrender.

Guidance Comes Through the Quiet Space

So much in our culture is lost with constant doing. We desperately need time to slow down. The Tantra path requires this slowed down time to listen to our body’s wisdom, our soul’s longing, and our hearts’ guidance for rejuvenation. From this full cup we can give and receive love more fully. We can open to ecstatic energies and embrace life!

During this season, my wish for you is that you may heed the call to go within and resist the fear of missing out. Take the time to go deep into your senses and actually say “No thank you, I’m going to sit by the fire and read my book tonight.” May we answer the call of the Winter solstice (The Returning of the Light) and take the time needed to reflect.

I look forward to seeing you again in the New Year.

Love, 
Lindy James

The Joy of Connection

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Oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin — lovely chemicals that happen in our brain, encouraging us to pursue pleasure and connection.

As we become more and more present in the body, we can notice the felt sense of (the feeling of) goodness in our bodies when we are close to someone.  It can happen with our children, or with our partners and friends.  Non-sexual, consensual connection can feel so nurturing that our walls of protection begin to soften, making possible feelings of joy and bliss.

As you look at the photo (taken during one of my classes) of connected-contented pairs of feet, you can get a sense of what I’m talking about.  The mirror neurons in you can activate as you look at the photo.  Can you sense the joy? The relaxation?

Learning to speak our boundaries verbally and through our body language and eyes, allows us to trust and open to simple connections.

I enjoyed a quote recently that went something like this:  A wall around our heart lets nobody in.  But sharing our boundaries reveals the door to come inside and meet ourselves or another.

A big part of my work is teaching discernment, pace and boundaries so that we can reclaim a sense of safety and trust.  We can do the healing work for deeper woundings so that we can return to a natural trusting openness.  Think of the way children reach their arms up to a care provider to be held, “Up mommy!”  Children are open to feeling loved, protected and held.

Let us reach out to be loved and held.
It’s never too late to have a good childhood.
And I speak from experience.

I look forward to meeting you.
I look forward to the opportunity to share this beautiful work with you.

Love, 
Lindy James

Pleasure, Sovereignty & the Tantric Path

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Healing the rift between s£xuality and pleasure in our world

In a society where s£xuality is considered a sin or used as currency to sell products or the idea of what beauty is, great harm is done to body and soul. This societal sickness is contagious and hurt begets more hurt.

Because we are conditioned by culture, religion and family over our lifetime…our natural sensuality is often confusing and shameful. And yet it is one of the most natural, healthy and inspiring things we can cultivate. Feeling our pleasure is energizing, good for the immune system, and a source of healthy joy!

Tantra teaches us that s£x is a sacred act.

To experience this, we must heal from our cultural views, family hand-me-down belifs and our own self degradation.  Self love is the beginning: reawakening the pathways to pleasure, choosing to follow ‘inner listening’ about when you say yes and when you say no.Often our voice (ability to express) gets shut down in order to not cause trouble, to feel safe. Although this might have been true when we were young, it no longer serves us now; in fact, now it gets in the way. So many behaviors our younger selves developed to feel safe are outdated and can even be harmful.

I own that “I am a recovering nice girl.”


Deep in my subconscious, I was terrified that I’d lose love if I wasn’t nice.  I was willing to suffer a lot at my own expense while being nice.I did everything to avoid conflict.  When my rational mind examined the situations I was afraid of, it found no real threats.  But to my heart, it felt like life or death. In the realm of s£x, I gave myself away far too many times, and eventually lost the sensation of enjoying intimacy until I found my healing through Tantra.

I still get afraid in conflict, but now I have the tools to step-up and speak my truth with fierce love, even admist my fear.

S£xual pleasure is our birthright.

Let’s take a stand for that and heal the wounds that have taken it away. No one has a say over our pleasure but ourselves.Tantra is one path to reclaiming our sovereignty. And the Tantric community is a wonderful place to be supported with stepping into freedom.

Finding our NO and having someone say thank you is so very healing! Being held in our fears, tears and joy is a dream come true. Through this we find our true YES and the path to sovereignty with our bodies and lives.

With deep reverence,
Lindy James

Is Tantra about S£x?

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Is Tantra about S£x?
A Deeper Perspective on Sacred Sexuality

 

When I first began Tantra, I assumed it was all about s£x, orgasms and orgies.

In actuality, Tantra uses subtle s£xual energy to open the body and the chakra system.  In order to feel these subtle s£xual and sensual energies, Tantra teaches us the art of embodiment — which can be blissfully ecstatic!

Tantra is not a way to bypass the wounds and confusion we may have around s£x. Instead, Tantra is a path to heal and awaken the places within our s£xuality that have shut down or gone numb.  Tantra teaches us to slow down and let go of goals. We learn that it’s important to go at our own pace, honoring our boundaries and those of our partner.

For me, Tantra is a path to clear away the habitual patterns, stories and wounding from the past, in order to find our true essence.  The Tantric path guides us into deep connection with ourselves, and eventually with others, nature and the divine.  Making love can feel like a meditation: slow, present and without a goal – a delicious letting go.

I’ve heard it said that, “Tantra is the quickest way to enlightenment, and the most fraught with danger.”  We will face and embrace that which we might usually flee from or cover up.  This path is one of courage and trust.  It is a healing path.

How do we walk the Tantric path?

The short answer is: witness our beliefs and bring ourselves back into the present moment.

Tantra may look like it’s about s£x, but it’s really about connection.  We connect with all of the chakras to be open, awake and alive.  We become so embodied that we can notice when we are offline or disconnected.  Then, Tantric practices bring us back home, back into a place of trust.

Regular practice is so important for building sensitivity to the subtle energies we work with in Tantra.  This is why I suggest my guided morning tantric practice and monthly classes in community, either online or in person.

It is my joy to be on this Tantric path, to love and guide anyone who is willing to walk.

Blessed be.

Love,
Lindy

Love Blows Open My Heart (Again)

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Love Blows Open My Heart (Again)

When my son was two weeks old, I remember being shocked at the sheer intensity of my feelings.  The love for my husband at the time didn’t come close.

The love I was experiencing for this new being was so massive that it felt like I could be killed by it.  Like I might die from how big the feelings were!

It was a strange sensation of simultaneous Vulnerability and Joy.  
Love had blown open my heart.

Then this spring, my son had a son.

I met my grand baby when he was four days old.  I visited again when he was one week old, and just now at his six week mark.  I felt incredible love for him, even before he was born – like we already knew each other.

Love had blown open my heart — again!  

My son

My grandson

Allowing the heart to expand in love.

The heart is a tender place.
We never know when love will arrive at our doorstep.
We never know when our heart will expand to new heights and new depths.

The vulnerability of opening to love is a big deal.

Love this big is a dance.
A dance of patience and holding.
A dance of trust.
And of impermanence.

We never know when love comes, or when love will go.

In my work, I often find that love moves through me.  There’s a welling up of care for the people who come to my events or for the people I work with.  This love is tempered with a kind of letting go as I acknowledge that each of you are on your own path and I have no control.

I don’t know if my grandson will live until a ripe old age, beyond my lifetime.
He could go tomorrow, we never know.

When love blooms big in my heart, I use the moment to ground and feel.
And I keep feeling.
I keep allowing love to guide me.

I look forward to being in the bubble of universal love with all of you.
When the time is right, we shall see each other again.

Love,
Lindy James

Clearly Voicing Your Desires and Needs

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Finding Your Voice in the Bedroom

Part III:
Clearly Voicing Your Desires and Needs

Speaking up involves letting go of my fear that I will disappoint someone, or that their feelings could get hurt.  If I don’t speak up, then my body slowly (or quickly) shuts down.  When I don’t respond to what my body is communicating, then more layers like: fear, projection, guilt, shame and blame can surface.

Over time, honest communication builds bridges that lead to ever-expanding sexuality.  My sexuality can get quite transcendent and wild; but to feel safe enough to let go, I need to know we are both embodied, present and listening to one another.

Saying what I need can sound like, “Please slow down, I need to pause here so that my awareness can catch up.”  Or, “I need to stop for a moment, I have tears coming up.”  Tears can come from joy or happiness.  They can also be from emotional residue leaving our body.  Another way of communicating is to vocalize encouraging sounds to let your giver know when they are on the right track.

In your practice with another, I recommend that you create sacred space by setting aside special time and making the environment beautiful or special somehow.  Maybe soft lights, music, flowers.

If you’re intending to explore your edges, you could voice that and ask for support.  This could sound like, “I’m not used to saying what I need so please just listen, say thank you, and hold me if I get scared.”  

A great practice to use during exploration is called: Fears, Desires & Boundaries.  

Each person takes a turn answering the following questions:

  • What are your fears?
  • What are your desires?
  • What are your boundaries?

One person speaks and the other simply says thank you. This is not the time to convince your partner that he or she shouldn’t feel a certain way.  If something comes up for you while listening, it’s best to talk about it with permission another time.

Finally, negotiate among the two of you where the overlaps of desire are, and stay within the boundaries that were stated.

Using fears, desires and boundaries is a wonderful ritual for helping each other find your voice.  Boundaries can lead to a feeling of incredible freedom because it helps the subconscious relax.  Relaxation is very compatible with arousal and creativity!

Finding your voice and rituals for connection are a big part of what I teach in all my classes and session work.

I would love to support or help. I invite you to set up a free discovery session with me to see what kind of suggestions I might make.

What’s your favorite way to get turned on?

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Finding Your Voice in the Bedroom

Part II:
What’s your favorite way to get turned on?

My turn on is connected to energetic and sensual touch.  Some people are wired more sexually.  Others get turned on when there is more physical or psychological kink in the space.  There are also those who like it all equally, and the more variety the better!

For me, I need to sense that my partner is fully embodied and present.  It can feel disconnecting when they are following some fantasy, script or idea, rather than tuning into the moment.

I enjoy slow energetic touch at first…just feeling their focused attention on me begins to raise my joy and my turn on.  I love to see their eyes gazing into mine, to feel their heart through their touch, to feel their desire to be with me.

Once I’m aroused and connected, I can play in other areas as well, but my path to arousal is pretty clear.  It’s great to notice if your partner(s) have similar or different preferences of turn on so you can bring that to your communication and approach.

How are you at listening to the aliveness of you?
and your partner?

It’s common to get stuck in a menu of what we are good at, what we assume people want, or the things we get pleasure in giving.  There is a place for ideas, forethought and techniques.  There is also a place for being guided in the moment and responding to our partner’s aliveness.  This is especially true when the way we like to be touched is not a match for how our partner likes to receive.

All eroticism is totally beautiful when we are in our body and present.  What can cause harm is when our partner touches us in a way that isn’t aligned with what we like and we don’t speak up.  Either they are not accurately tracking us, or we are not finding our voice…or both.

This is a big topic.  I’m offering one more section, plus an activity to try:
Coming soon: 

  • Part III: Clearly voicing your Desires and Needs

Finding your voice and rituals for connection are a big part of what I teach in all my classes and session work.

I would love to support or help. I invite you to set up a free discovery session with me to see what kind of suggestions I might make.

Finding Your Voice in the Bedroom

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Finding Your Voice in the Bedroom

Part I:
How can you learn what you like?

When I was younger, lovers would ask me, “What do you like?  How do you like to be touched sensually or sexually?”  I would freeze like a deer in headlights.  I wouldn’t know what to say other than, “Try something and I’ll tell you if I like it.”  

Time and time again, I see this same response in couples that I work with.  Particularly coming from women.  This approach has a lot of limitations.  It sidesteps the rich vulnerability of expressing our desire, it puts the creative effort solely onto our partner, and it cuts us off from the intuitive exploration of our body.

Touch preferences are quite varied.  Some of us adore light touch; while others find it too ticklish.  Slow lingering strokes work for some; whereas others like compression squeezes.  Many of us enjoy percussive touch or even scratching.  I recall one of my teachers saying, “There are seven levels of scratching and the seventh level draws blood.”  I say this to remind us that there are ranges in every style of touch that can be explored to find your sweet spot.

Here is an exercise I do with my students called: How do you like to be touched? There is a giver and a receiver. The giver is to only touch the receiver from the elbow to the hand.  Those are the boundaries.  The giver asks the question, “How would you like to be touched?”  The receiver then gives specific answers.  The giver will repeat this question a few times.  The touch lasts 5-7 minutes.  The pairs debrief how that was to give and to receive.  Then they switch roles.

I encourage my students to learn how they like to be touched and to practice with a lover, friend or practice buddy.  Starting with a neutral zone of the body can deter the fear response and give us access to our voice and preferences.  We can expand the zones of exploration as we grow in trust toward ourselves and our partners.

This is a big topic, so I’ve divided it into three parts.
Coming soon: 

  • Part II: How are you at listening to your partner?  How are you at speaking up?
  • Part III: Clearly voicing your Desires and Needs

Finding your voice and rituals for connection are a big part of what I teach in all my classes and session work.

I would love to support or help. I invite you to set up a free discovery session with me to see what kind of suggestions I might make.

Keeping Relationships Juicy

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At the beginning of new love, there can be an effortlessness to passion.  Over time, it is quite common for much of those yummy new relationship feelings to fade.  Life circumstances, health challenges, a new job, children, or aging can add to the sometimes difficult dance of keeping intimacy alive and juicy.

One of the biggest blessings of Tantra are the intentional invitations and practices designed to create love, build attraction, and keep love alive.

ATTUNEMENTS with self.

Tantra invites us to first attend to ourselves with breathing practices, meditation, exercise, being in nature — things that feed our bodies and spirit. Once we tend to ourselves, we can better attune with our partner(s).

One way I see Tantra is the practice of honing the ability to embody the present moment with inner listening, and then step forward to connect with another.  When both people are resourced, the connection is so alive! 

What attunes you to your inner rhythms?  What relaxes and awakens you?

Consider engaging in that practice for a few minutes each day to keep the juice flowing within.

ATTUNEMENTS with another.

In addition to sexual energy, Tantra is also about tuning to the energy of love and full body presence with each other.  Consider setting aside time to nurture each other with 5 – 10 minute practices I call: Attunements.These simple attunement practices can be delicious ways for keeping relationships juicy.  You might:

  • Eye gaze
  • Touch slowly with presence in the hands
  • Spoon and match breathing
  • Pause in your day and hug for three slow deep breaths
  • Sensual massage on shoulders, feet, hands, head…

Simple.  Present.  Intimate.

Verbal attunements involve setting aside a few focused minutes to hear about each other’s day.  While listening, see if you can feel beyond the words into your precious beloved’s heart.

Ask questions like:

  • How was your day?
  • How is your heart?
  • What do you need from me?
  • How can I nourish you?

TANTRA for a busy life.

In a busy life, maybe we have 10 minutes to connect before we need to get up and take care of the children and make dinner.  It’s not practical to put off all our connecting until a date night or a two hour love making session (that may get canceled or interrupted).  Keeping a steady flow of juice going into the relationship with short Attunements makes it more likely that we will feel like making love, or that we will prioritize date night.In 5 minutes of present listening, massaging, holding, or kissing — we can wake up the senses and then cook dinner and have it taste even better.

I love working with couples to find their way back to a juicy connection, or to learn how to keep nurturing and attuning it.

I would love to support or help. I invite you to set up a free discovery session with me to see what kind of suggestions I might make.

Listening IN thru the Seasons

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Happy Winter Solstice everyone!

Winter can be a time for going within, for slowing down, and for listening more to our body’s wisdom.

During quieter times, I can see how much habit there is to being busy, especially around the holidays.

When we listen to our body, we are tuning into deep subtle wisdom.
I wish to honor the part of me that longs to slow down.  

Recently, I had two illnesses that forced me to stop and slow down.
Obviously, I would prefer to consciously choose a slower pace, rather than be brought to a halt by my health and be too out of sorts to enjoy it.

So at the end of this month, I will be taking time off to sit by the fire, read a book, and write in my journal.

Create Seasonal Space

What would it look like to create a sacred space for yourself this season – both inwardly and outwardly?  For me, I adorn my home and altar with lush plants, beautiful statues, candles and fresh flowers.

In contrast to the winter season, spring energy naturally increases my desire to create, to plant seeds, and be productive.  This can be a more comfortable state for egos.

But how do we honor this season of hibernation?  

Can I pause when productivity sneaks up and tries to push me?  It’s nice to have a few rainy days on the sofa with a cup of tea, letting go of the part of me that feels I should be “doing something.”  

When we slow down, there is often a period of agitation, of squirmy-ness.  If we can simply breathe and do some yoga, take a bubble bath, get a massage…those flutters do pass.

I encourage us toward slow meditative walking, journal writing and naps!  Creating sacred space somewhere at home can ground us in the intention to be slow.

I look forward to seeing you in 2023, creating and relaxing with community, with love, and with feeling held.

Until then, namaste, and happy winter solstice!
Lindy